Validation

One of my greatest flaws, or should I say learning curves, is the need for outside approval.  Not necessarily outside approval as in not having any self worth.  But outside approval, meaning, waiting for someone to tell me that I'm good enough, and that I am heading in the right path.  Unfortunately for me, I haven't had the privilege of having markers along my way, showing me how and when to do something that will set me off in the right.  Am I going the right way? Am I doing this right?  How do I look?  Do you like this?  Does this look good to you?  How do you feel?  Am I good enough  All these questions have been an internal cycling struggle, and has been expressed to a certain few that I might have trusted.  But no matter how well I've trusted a person, they never had what I needed.  Always empty, searching for a slight push, not flattery! But solid advice and reflection.  Why is it that no one is able to help me see myself?  Why is it, that people shy away from me and refuse to speak the words on their minds?  I suppose, in my much younger days, I may have carried a defense response to most things, but I didn't know better.  With such a soft and vulnerable heart, everything spoken to me was felt on a very deep, deep level.  But I suppose that is where my boundaries were confused.  I didn't know where one began and where I ended.  All I wanted was for someone to tell me ... "you are here".  I never heard those words.

Now that I am 27, and a bit more mature, I still find the reminisce of my insecurities in my daily interactions.  Why aren't they telling me how good I am??  I swear this isn't a conceited, narcissistic way of thinking, but a very weak and insecure way of thinking.  Below the surface, an outsider may not be able to witness these insecurities, but I am sure, some have and never said anything.  Whyyy?? WHY DON'T YOU SAY ANYTHING!!??  I like words too much.  Words are everything to me, especially when spoken from the heart.  Communication is like air to me, I need you to speak.  Let's talk to one another.  Get raw and ugly for me, I promise I won't mind.  Tell me all the good you see, tell me all the bad you see.  I want to know!!  Maybe up until now, I haven't had the strength to receive such truth from the outside lips.  So I sit, I sit with self and ponder all that could be right, and all that could be wrong.  Perfection.  I seek perfection.  Not perfection in beauty, but perfection in feeling.  Perfection in thought and sharing of the mind.  It's where the freedom lies for me.  Jumping from emotion to emotion, feeling the glorious energetic sensations rolling off my tongue.  Hey, I suppose I like to talk.  Talking is supremely easy for me, but only with those who seek to speak with me as deeply.  Yes small talk gets us by, but I want more..  REFLECT ME FOR ME PLEASE, be a mirror.  Serve as a mirror, by completely just being yourself.  Tell me what's on your mind, tell me how you feel.  Within that freedom and honesty, I can see everything.  Show me.  Let me see.  Lets talk.

JACK